Nova vomit

How come when you have to sign in to make a comment on someone else's blog there is a tiny handicapped wheelchair next to the box where you type that fucked up text? Whatev.

So last week I had the most monumentally shitty lunch (and it wasn't me who made it.) I was too mad, I couldn't have written about it that day. I went to Nova Era bakery. I was in the area, at my favourite of all favourites, Strictly Bulk, getting the staples: pumpkin seeds, almond milk, chocolate covered jujubes (shut up they're good.) Then I go, oh Nick once said Nova Era had good sandwiches. I will go there now and get one. MISS TAKE.

I sidle up to the lunch counter. I see they have soups. I see they have sandwiches. I ask the lunchman, a husky version of Martin Starr, if they have a soup and sandwich special. He says no. I ask him how much a soup and sandwich will cost. He goes away for a while, then tells me. Around $7 something. I say ok, I want the tuna and the soup of the day--something I had never heard of, but was willing to try: kidney bean and collards. (Last time I checked, they were called collard GREENS, but again, whatev.)

So I said I wanted the tuna, right? He asks me if I want mayonnaise. I, of COURSE, thought he meant in addition to the mayo already mixed with the tuna. I mean, is there any other way? So, no, I didn't want any mayo because in addition to the mayo already comprising the tuna for the filling of the tuna sandwich, this would simply be too much mayo.

But no sooner had I said NO to the maYO, I noticed he was busy at work can openering a can of NO NAME tuna in order to make my "sandwich." It was from this moment forward I knew I was doomed. Not only did he honest to god think I wanted a mayo-less tuna sandwich, but he also thought this concept actually existed. I'm sorry everyone out there, but IT DOESN'T. No where does a tuna sandwich exist that has no mayo on it. Try as you may to find out. There ain't one.

So he empties the can of DRY FISH into a bowl. He then grabs some shitty tiny bun from the back of the place. I have no idea where this bun came from or why it wasn't out front, nicely displayed, telling me, "look, this is what your sandwich will be made on." But not only this: again, last time I checked, most sandwich places give you an option of the bread or bun you get, or else they generally have white or whole wheat bread. I just think this dude had no idea what the fuck he was doing.

He squishes the still dry fish into the shitty tiny bun. He then puts the top on the sandwich. Follow me people: he has just used a small crappy bun, placed some crumbles of dry tuna fish on it, and has replaced the top portion of my sandwich. I then look up at the sandwich board. Oh, stupid RETARDED me, lettuce OR tomatoes OR cucumbers is an extra 25 cents PER item. By now I'm fuming. "Can I get some lettuce on that, please?!"

Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm not even going to touch on the soup. Let's just say the kidney bean and collard soup was POTATO based, had about 11 strands of collards in it and was lukewarm.

As I sat in this confusing shithole bakery (that shouldn't even HAVE a lunch counter), seething, and eating my frigging "lunch," I remembered that I had to pay almost $8 for this disappointment.

I am NEVER GOING THERE AGAIN. I KNOW it was only $8, but the experience overall shaved years off my life. And faith in food in general.

Nova Era, you're dead to me.