To the cereals I have loved (Toronto)

CL Rants and Raves delights again:

Cheerios, you were my first. I used to douse you with sugar, and chase your floating circles around the bowl with my spoon. I learned a lot about breakfast when I was with you. But I was young and fickle. It embarrasses me to say this, but I left you because I thought that your Os were too prone to falling out of the bowl. (You know what I mean? Like, as soon as the milk starts pouring, you gotta watch the rim for any Os that are trying to escape. And then you try to coax and tilt the bowl but it only seems to make it worse...) I was immature to let something like that bother me. I always wonder about you.

Crispix, you were hot. Your hexagon two-toned, double-grain mesh was a site for sore eyes. You tasted amazing right out of the box, and your texture against my tongue was like heaven. And with milk, you were easily one of my favourite cereals. But tragically, you couldn't stay crispy. And that honestly isn't the kind of thing that bugs me, but your commercials said you would stay crisp for a long time. Insisted, really. The opposite is more the case. I wasn't upset, but I guess felt kind of lied to.

Shredded wheat, where do I start? I knew I needed a healthy break from all the other junk I was eating, but you took the cake: you were almost literally a bowl of straw. Even with blueberries, it was hard to ignore that I was eating a fist-sized chunk of fibrous roughage. To be brutally honest: you tasted terrible. But at the time I needed you, and you helped keep me in check. I was just the wrong person for you.

Cap'n crunch: you were sugary, crunchy and sweet. Milk only seemed to make you crunchier (or maybe it just amplified the sound). And you were intriguing. I believed you when you said the crusade against "the soggies" was a metaphor for the human condition. For a youth-oriented cereal, you were surprising cerebral. I actually liked you a lot, but you were seriously rough on the roof of my mouth. It felt like I was eating sandpaper rocks.

Vector: you were so smart, and made sure everyone knew that. Yeah, yeah, you were created in a lab with the participation of over 15 scientists, engineers and doctors. So what? I liked you, but I never felt good enough for you. And just so you know, I had you with 2% milk, which I'm sure cancelled out a lot of your benefits.

Froot Loops: I ate you in my youth. In fact, I can remember when you were only three colours. The yellows were my favourite. Now you're up to six. You were amazing. I smile at you when I see you at the grocery store.

Apple Jacks: you are forever an enigma to me.